Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
