So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
