I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
