Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i believe in u and ur pee
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
