Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
