I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
