My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
