Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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