im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
