No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
