apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
