I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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