thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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