Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
