What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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