Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's never too late to be topless.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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