Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
