just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
