bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
