His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
