well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize