Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
