Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
