dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I could fuck to npr.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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