my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
