I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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