WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
should my penis look like a turkey
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
