so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
sex in a hospital.. check
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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