Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize