my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
