... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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