Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
