rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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