your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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