Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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