1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
