when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
