and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He did a backflip because drugs
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