He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
