On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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