There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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