Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
