I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
