I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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