Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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