Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
