Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I just went to clothing optional bar
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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