R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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