im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
