i think my tv is drunk
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
