I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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