I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Fuck appropriateness.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
