there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
