i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i barfeds in our rink
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
