I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
is it fun? or sober?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
