Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
