worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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